How can I forgive myself after being sexually abused?

I am now 20 years old. When this situation took place, I was 16 or 17. I was living with this family that went to my church, and the lady's husband kept coming on to me. At this time, my parents were divorcing and I was depressed. I was so scared of this man because he was a giant compared to me. He kept asking me if he could touch my thighs. I kept telling him no because it was wrong, but I didn't tell anyone. I wouldn't even eat at night because I was afraid he would try to rape me.

So one day I came home from church a little earlier than the others did. He came in and waited until I got out of the bathroom. He sat me down on a chair and he kept touching me. I was so in shock that I couldn't move. That day he entered me and I didn't push him away, but I was crying and felt sick. Later on that week, he came into the basement where I stayed, and he performed oral sex on me. I felt really bad, but then again I did enjoy it. I felt so confused and cheap because after he was done he left $100.00 on my table. I felt like a slut. Then after a few weeks of him not even looking at me, I decided to talk to him and tell him that I was sorry and that we couldn't do it anymore and that we had to ask God for forgiveness.

My question is was it my fault for being in this situation or is he at fault for taking advantage of me? I have forgiven him, but I still have to work on forgiving myself. To me that is a very hard task because he is one of the elders in the church. What should I do?


What can I do about the hate I have for someone who molested me?

I have a problem with hate. I hate my older brother. He molested me when I was young, and now I'm nineteen and I still have to live in the same house as him. My parents know what happened, but they just don't talk about it. I understand that it's hard to deal with. However, I never talk to my brother, and when I move out of my house, I don't plan on ever talking to him again. I don't think this is healthy, but there is nothing that I can do about my hate.


Why do I lose my erection when I put on a condom?

I care for my girlfriend, whom I have been seeing for a few months now. I have no problem maintaining an erection when she performs oral sex on me. In fact I can climax twice in a relatively short time. We have, however, been unable to actually engage in intercourse, since when we go to put on the condom, I lose my erection. I'm not really having too much of a problem getting erect (i.e., I get an erection, and may lose it early on, but I am able to get and maintain another one for oral sex). What could be the problem? Stress? A lack of physical attraction? I will be grateful for any answer you can provide me.


Should I start PrEP?

If my husband takes antivirals or post-exposure prophylaxis can we still have sex with a condom and still complete the process like normal? It is affecting our sex life because he does not want to infect me. I don't want to be infected but I knew what I was getting into from the start. I might start PrEP as it is now available to me. What are your thoughts?


Is there a connection between Depo-Provera and hair loss?

I have taken three Depo-Provera shots. My hair started falling out excessively several months ago. In looking for answers I found out that this is a side effect to the shots. I was not informed of that before I took the shots. I saw in one of your Go Ask Alice! answers that depo-provera suppresses the Follicle Stimulating Hormone and the Luteinizing Hormone. What is this hormone? Is this what makes my hair fall out? And do you know if there is anything I can do to stop it? My next shot is due by May 15 but I am not going to get it. Thanks.


What should I expect when I go off of birth control pills?

I've been taking birth control pills for almost seven years and decided to stop taking them as of my last cycle last week. What kind of changes should I be expecting? How long will it take for my body to get used to not having the hormones? In the past few days, I've been feeling very edgy, tired, and with on and off headaches. Is it true that once you withdraw from birth control pills, you may actually lose a few pounds?


Why does my partner's condom keeps coming off inside?

Quite often when my boyfriend and I have sex, the condom disappears into my vagina. As you can imagine, it is extremely mood killing and a little disconcerting for me to have to reach up there and find it. I read your response to another couple with the same problem, and we'll definitely make sure to hold onto the condom before pulling out. I use Depo-Provera (so the condom is used just to be extra sure), so I'm not particularly worried about pregnancy. What I would like to know, though, is why this happens to us so often? I've never lost condoms with any other partners. I also have the feeling sometimes that it might be coming off before ejaculation. This seems to happen quite frequently (one out of every two or three times we have sex). It's kind of frustrating. Is there anything else we could do differently?